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Talk:Gender Fluid/@comment-32668897-20170724073618
It's been quite a while since I realised that something is wrong with me, exactly one and a half year ago. Ususally, I wouldn't talk about it for purpose, but in the end I'm really doubting myself as I'm desperating as well. Hopefully, one could help me with my current situation. Otherwise...sorry for my bad English, I'm not a native speaker. First, it began one and a half year ago as I mentioned before when I was about to phantazise to be a man instead of a woman or how I shall tell about it. It was just there, I couldn't eliminate or repress it successfully. To be honest, I was afraid of myself, not able to explain myself why this happened every time I was about to think such stuff - Actually, I switched between female and male with the difference, that my mind descided always, not me. A half year later, a few weeks after my birthday I realised that I'm not hetero, but even bisexual. It isn't something I wouldn't appreciate or something, but it's somehow interesting how I named such phases automatically 'male phases', completly out of intuition. I wasn't really male at those moments, and thoroughly I titled them as such. Of course I cannot guruantee my thoughts, but I think there was already a connetion to my current situation, especially because I wanted to be more or less a man in those moments even when not directly. So, how is my situation in this moment? In the begin of April I finally found a term, not at last because it bothered me entirely as I still couldn't explain this stuff but also didn't feel like a transsexual - Genderfluid. Not ever heard of it, it felt somehow...'right'. I don't know how to say it, but it fitted somehow, anyways it felt so. In the assumption, I finally could describe me and my mental state I watched myself - I switched between these genders indeed. Actually, not that strong, but I switched truthfully what was way more important to me. The next weeks it remained 'til I hadn't any male phases, but felt either female, like nothing or even both male and female at the same time. I was okay with that of course, didn't think about it further. Now, good two or three weeks ago it began again, but this time even...worse. I should tell. I cannot exactly say why, but my gender turned male out of nowhere. This time I even suffered under my own body, wanted to be a male in a whole, cried many times and yeah, I just couldn't handle my situation. Of couse I switched again a few times 'til today why it was actually balanced and stuff, but it was indeed quite shameful and terryifing when I felt male. Nevertheless, it was just...away yesterday evening, just like nothing ever happened. I haven't to cry anymore, when I think about telling my family, it even doesn't bother me really. Honestly, I feel like before that I cannot imagine to be a man, just want to be a woman and so on. What's wrong with me? Am I just total female today? o.O But what's exactly my problem? I don't know if it all was merely a phase, out of puberty as I'm only 15 and will become 16 in the next weeks. In the one hand my mind don't want to have this, in the other hand it feels like a part of my own self, don't want to lose it somehow. This two fight since yesterday evening and I don't know what to do and so... I mean, I even have problems with finding out what I am currently, spending almost the whole day with asking myself if I'm male or female or even neither, now I'm not interested anymore in it or at least in this moment. In the same time, I cannot title as phase as I'm really sure that I was already genderfluid in my childhood, even when not that obvious or strong - I mostly switched between female and neither, sometimes I was even male when I come to think about it. To be entirely honest, I identify as agender in the most time with a breeze of femininity depending on my situation and that already since childhood as I mentioned before. So? Was it just a phase or am I just totally female today? Yes, I'm a very doubtful and sensible person, but yeah...I have to find an answer, otherwise I cannot handle it. |DLast but not least, how you find out in which gender you are stuck in the current moment? It would be very helpful if I should be truthfully genderfluid.